brain food cafe

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. – Mark Twain.

One week has passed and I’m back here blogging. Touchdown.

I’ve actually been doing a lot of writing in the last week. I started by publishing a short story on Amazon Kindle: The Gunman who forgot who to shoot. It’s about a 1800s gunman who, ah, forgets who he’s supposed to shoot. Guess that was kinda obvious. The gunman has stroked out so he not only forgets who to shoot but has some trouble with his pistol on account of the stroke.

Say what you will about the idea, I don’t know of any other stroke westerns.

I also got some heavy lifting in on a longer short story that might turn into a novelette or novella. I expect to have it done by Labor Day and will be calling on my friend Shelagh to edit it. She just doesn’t know this yet.

It feels good to be tapping this stuff out. I’m not worrying about the business of getting this stuff read; I’m just dialed in on pumping the stuff out.

Working on this stuff, I pulled out a quote I’d jotted down from Mark Twain a few years back. “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why”

Hmmm. A few things came to mind as I read and re-read this.

My first thought was how freaking cool it would be to have people quoting you years and years after breathing your last.

Second thought was wow, how long can ‘why’ take? Is it clear or is it one of those things you only realize later? Does that second important day come and go only to be appreciated near the end of life? Do some, many or even most of us never find out why?

Thinking about this ruined about an hour of my day last Thursday.

And when my head stopped spinning, I decided that I don’t care if I ever find out why. Or if there even is one why.

This week I’m just going to keep tapping on the keys and try to pump this next story out. If why strikes me, I’ll drink a toast to Mark Twain and consider myself all the better. If it doesn’t, I’ll just keep thing away.

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After my bride’s amazing news that she’d kicked cancer’s ass, I started thinking about ‘why.’

Not right away.

At first I was just happy. Thrilled for her. Ecstatic for my girls. Jazzed for me.

But after awhile I started to get sore.

Why did she have to go through all of this? The pain, the fear. It was awful for her.

Why did my kids have to live this nightmare? It was frightening for them.

And why me? I’m sick of this shite.

My parent’s deaths – mom passing away before she could meet her grandkids – cancer battles for Pat, a stroke for me. It starts to wear on a fella.

In this state I can’t seem to stop myself from torturing my mind with more ‘why’ questions.

Why do some people seem to escape all tragedy? Why are their lives so charmed? Why do they have it so easy?

At this point, I can’t stop myself.

Why do some of us live with so much while so many more live with so little? Why do those with extreme wealth and resources want to hoard it from so many others? Why do those goobers – alleged goobers – implicated in the Panama Papers believe that it’s OK to cheat to keep even more of the wealth they have to themselves? Allegedly, that is… I don’t want those alleged goobers coming after me, I couldn’t afford that J.

Why don’t they flinch when they walk past a homeless man or when they hear about the dollars needed for research to fight cancer, stroke, heart disease…

Why, why why?

But asking why is a mugs game. Why doesn’t matter.

Why not? is a better question.

How many great athletes and musicians were told they weren’t good enough? Many of those who responded with why not?  instead of why me? went on to be game changing athletes. Or to write music that has impacted people world wide.

I think we need to learn how to bottle why not?

Spurred on by Patricia and my girls, it was why not that helped me relearn to read and write when the stroke took away my words. Why not? helped me to reboot my brain to the point where I could pull out of it the melon power that I needed to make a living, to be a real dad and a husband again. It wasn’t just why not? There was a lot of rehab, a lot of great therapy, a lot of a lot of things.

But it all started with why not?

On another note, Today –April 9 – is my first born’s birthday. 23. And for the first time in all of those years we’re apart on her birthday. Very sad. She’s in Toronto working on the final strokes of her masters.

While it is very sad not to be with her, I’m so proud of all that she’s doing and I’m so excited to see the great places it will take her. Thank God for Face Time and cheap long distance.

Happy birthday, Kristina!

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It was ten years ago today that my dad breathed his last breaths.

With me and my sister Shelly sitting at his side in his home in Innisfail, Alberta, he left us. As death goes, it seemed peaceful enough. But I know that it was at the end of months of physical and emotional agony. I was with him much of the time.

I can’t believe that it’s been a decade without him.

It makes me sad that he’s had to miss my kid’s growing up. It makes me angry that my girls couldn’t have him for longer in their lives. But knowing that he still has so many people thinking of him so fondly all of these years later gives me piece knowing that he lived so well.

My dad always taught me, usually without me realizing that he was teaching me. He even did so in dying.

As I saw him deal with the frightening madness that hit him when the cancerous tumor took over his brain I saw something in his eyes and felt something in his spirit that told me that he wasn’t really as ‘gone’ as people thought.

In his last days, knowing the end was soon, I saw concern for those he was leaving behind outweighing his own fear.

When I stroked out four years later, his courage fueled me. I knew no matter what happened, I didn’t have to give in.

A day doesn’t pass without a lump in my throat at some point as I think of my dad. Never will.

Cheers to a great life lived. Great, because he touched so many people in such a personal and powerful way. What could be greater than that?

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With as many years on the planet as I’ve put in, this seems a silly – or even dumb – question.

And yet, as I read recent headlines and ponder the fate of a few new stroke victims whose stories have come my way, I wonder…

Life isn’t all about money, but oh what money can do for our lives.

Or at least pay the way to get important stuff done. It’s easy to say that money can’t buy happiness. But that depends what you mean. Chucking cash at status simples and questionable gizmos ‘guaranteed’ to stop the ravages of time may indeed fall short. But if the bucks go into research that can save or enrich lives, then I’d say that the money has paid for a few smiles.

Take stroke. Please. Badambum (that’s supposed to read like the sound of the three drum beats that follow a bad joke).

Anyway, strokes have been around for a long, long time. In fact, Hippocrates – he of the MD oath – first pointed them out 2,400 years ago. All that time and we still know so little about stroke and other brain disease and disorders. Why?

A lot of it has to do with how much money there is – or isn’t — for research. It also has to do with getting enough bucks for treatment for victims where they need it and when they need it. I’m sure the same is true for other serious health woes. And I know we also struggle to get cash to the homeless, disenfranchised and struggling all over the planet.

Why? Maybe there isn’t enough money out there to go around?

But I doubt that after hearing some of the stories that have crossed the airwaves of late.

Especially adding to my doubt is the sad but true tale of the star NFL running back who has earned $49.7 million in nine seasons without spending a dime of it. Yes, you read that right. Buddy has raked in nearly 50 mil without touching a cent.

It’s all collecting interest somewhere while he gets buy on his endorsement deals. At least that’s what’s being reported and I haven’t heard any denials.

How responsible of him. He should conduct a workshop on money management for average folks. Or, better yet, for impoverished people trying to decide if they’ll buy enough groceries to last the week or make their rent payment.

What if this fella would crack open the vaults and send just a tiny bit of that cash to stroke research? Or cancer research? Or you name the research. And what if every multi-millionaire in the NFL did the same thing? And what would happen if the NBA, NHL pro soccer millionairs did the same thing?

I can’t prove it, but I have a strong feeling that we’d have a lot of cures to what ails us pretty quickly.

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Sometimes I forget that my stroke brain was sizzled. Sometimes that’s a good thing.

And sometimes it’s not.

Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever written the word sometimes so many times in such a short time. And now I can’t recall what I was on about. Oh ya, forgetting. How ironic. Or is that really irony? Hmm, no…

Never mind, I should get back on track.

That’s a bit how my mind worked – or didn’t work – after it was buzzed by a stroke nearly six years ago. I couldn’t keep on track. I’d lose the thread of every conversation, every activity. Every thing.

I try to remember that to motivate me to keep my melon charged up, keep using it, to fight off any rust. I don’t want that strokey feeling again, whether it’s caused by another stroke, injury or inactivity. I really do believe, and science seems to back me up here, that it can be use it or lose it with the brain.

But I also try to forget the stroke, the damage that it did and the damage that remains. I don’t want to think of myself as different, flawed or week. I’ll ignore my major remaining stroke scar, a reading disability. I’ll gloss over the fact that letters appear out of sequence to me. Or that they don’t form into words quickly — if at all — without the aid of tech tools.

And then, as happened last weekend, my denial will lead me to do stupid things.

Over the weekend I went to get my oil changed. I saw three drive in doors at the garage. There were cars lined up a too, I picked the third. I spotted a bunch of words up top. Lots of words. I ignored my reading snafu and decided everything was fine. I was just another regular guy lined up for an oil change.

When the door opened and I drove in, the garage dude asked my name. When I told him and he couldn’t find it on his clip board, he looked confused. I explained that I had no appointment, I was just in for a quick oil change. No appointment necessary, I’d been told.

Turns out, if I’d read the signs above the doors, I’d have learned that I’d gone into the spot for folks with appointments for major work. Now garage guy had to get folks to pull out from where I’d driven in to make room to back out my rig. Then I was at the back of the line up for drop in oil changes.

Not the end of the world. But it kind of leaves a fella with a dumb dumb feeling.

So, for the rest of the Year of the Monkey at least, I’m going to try to remember Forest Gumps’ words – stupid is as stupid does. I’m going to try to embrace who I am, turtle reading and all.

BTW, I did this ditty with no proof reader. I’m trying to see if i can trust my reading device tech to keep me golden

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So, today is Chinese New Year, the first of 15 days of celebrations that mark the lunar New Year.

And from now on, Chinese New Year is my go-to new year. There’re a few reasons for this.

First, I like the idea of a renewal to kick off a New Year. But jamming in a renewal on January 1 after all of the hustle and bustle that the Christmas season brings is a tough nut to crack. It seems to me that a break between Christmas and a new start is a good idea.

The Lunar New Year gives a month and change of breathing room.

I like that. I like it a lot.

Second, we’re now in the Year of the Monkey. I’m a dragon. My wife’s a rat. According to my bride’s research, rats, dragons and monkey’s are super compatible. And that makes this a great year for us, too. After the cancer marred year she’s been through, and with the healing well underway, it makes a lot of sense to embrace some solid positivity.

Whether that makes sense to you or not, I’m going to run with it.

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When I was in grade 4, I learned about an interpreter and guide used by the North West Mounted Police. Jerry Potts.

One story about Potts was that he was listened for 90 minutes of a speech from a First Nation Chief to some senior mounties. He said nothing.

When the speech was done, Potts turned to the top cops and said: “He wants food.”

I don’t know if that story is true or not. But in follow to my last blog and where things sit after today’s appointment with her oncologist, I’ll offer a similar three word response: “She’s all good.”

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